My thoughts on my state of mind/soul one year ago - waiting for Micah

Wow! hindsight sure does make you laugh..and cry sometimes! October of 2008 was a very rough time for me emotionally as we waited for Micah. I look back and feel very strongly that he was born this month and that my inner struggle (which prompted much of the pleading and 'crying out' type prayers) were ordained by God - I was to pray for my son as he entered the world and the rough months ahead for him. I also needed to yearn to hold/comfort, as only a mother can, her son. No child should have to face rejection/abandonment at any time after birth (whether immediately after or at a later time). It is such an injustice! A world of injustice really is what we live in - broken and fallen. We all are born into the tragedy of what we coin "sinful nature". Some beginnings are more blatantly tragic... like Micah's. He was left under a tree at about 1 month old. Why would his birthmother, birthfather, relative, have to do this? Such a horrible injustice! But his story is not without hope, or joy. He was found early in the morning (I assume he wasn't left long - and assume he was left early in the morning with hopes of someone finding him). He was taken to an orphanage and eventually to our agency's orphanage. He was tiny but well nourished at that point. This makes me think he was loved and cared for his first month. He was our son - and eventually would be home in his forever family. I cried so often this month - sometimes cried myself to sleep - sometime a primal sort of cry. I was often on the edge of tears and usually just bit my tongue for fear of breaking down in front of a stranger or friend who just wouldn't understand. If you've never adopted and had to wait for your child, you just won't get it - why we who are on this adoption journey, get so emotional over waiting, or referrals. All the adoptive mothers and father (but especially mammas) 'get it' and some reading this may be so agonizingly close to that referral and are experiencing many sleepless nights and frantic reactions to every ring of the phone. Back then, I found NO solace in comments like "one year from now, all your sorrows will be behind you and your son will be home." If you are ever talking to an adoptive mom and are not one yourself - PLEASE don't say this. It gives no solace. (although for some reason, it seemed ok at times on the YG) Back in October, I wanted a shoulder to cry on - someone to grieve with me for my son and pray with me for his safety. An adoptive mother understands the agony of knowing your child is an ocean away and possibly scared, sick, cold, etc and you cannot be there to hold and protect him/her. It just makes you cry and grieve as a mother - and sometimes there are no words of comfort. I did a lot of crying one year ago - a lot of praying - some journaling but a lot of praying/pleading with God on behalf of my son, our Micah.

Here is my post last year on October 19, 2008 - doesn't capture my emotions but captures my assessment of our time. Which was a bit off!

so that is where we are - waiting still - maybe even until the end of November now - we will likely travel 8 weeks after receiving a referral. I know I mentioned in the last post that I thought our son would be at an orphanage or our agency's transitional home - now I really am unsure - not really sure of anything to be honest! So we wait and pray that he is safe and protected!

I laugh that I thought we'd have our referral by the end of Nov - HA! More like Dec. 17th :) and we traveled 14 weeks after that, NOT 8! :) again another chuckle. Other adoptive parents also know (and if you don't, heed my advice) - you simply CANNOT plan an adoption or the timeline - even if your agency gives you timelines and contines to give you updated timelines. We prayed often for God's timing (I know - it's so cliche and I even cringed when I prayed it out loud with Roscoe because I hate cliche prayers - but we truly wanted it!) There were so many variables that had to fall in place with Roscoes' business. And now we know we couldn't have been a day later - Micah's health was so fragile.

So what's my point with my post. I don't know. I'm pensive today - thinking back on our journey to bring Micah home and his journey to come home to his forever family. Looking back at last year and the waiting of adoption. Soothing my son to sleep (who just woke up as I was typing because his pacifier fell out and his blanket was snagged in his legs). I really don't think knowing or seeing any of this back then, would have made my wait any easier. I needed to go through October of 2008. It wasn't the hardest things I've ever had to go through - not nearly - but it was new and evoked many new emotions I had never felt. The mother in me was taking form.